She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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