I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
