He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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