I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
