Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
