she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I CAN MOONWALK!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
