We won't sleep together?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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