Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
