i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
