I never want to see another naked old woman again.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
