i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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