So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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