You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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