last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
