i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
