Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
