my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
