What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
