Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just high enough for therapy.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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