chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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