I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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