she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
