Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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