i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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