It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
