im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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