Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
