i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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