it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
