everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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