apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
