I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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