Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
