New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
