Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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