There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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