Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
