I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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