i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
