Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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