I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
