ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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