Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
