there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
