My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
