I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
