Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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