it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
