it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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