I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
