tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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