Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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